Everything #winning from the zombie apocalypse to fine dining and anything in between.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Top 10 Things NOT to Do in A Zombie Apocalypse

With Halloween just behind us and a recent debate about undead zombies vs diseased zombies with a friend (Devon Seymour), I was inspired to right a top 10 list for things not to do, because everyone has written a guide on what to do.

Hit the jump for the top 10 fatal mistakes you shouldn't make in the even of a zombie apocalypse.

10. Shooting zombies somewhere other than the head.

Pelting that undead abomination who is eating your friend in the arms and legs isn't going to do much to save them.  You'll waste ammo and draw more attention to yourself, along with pissing off your soon-to-be best zombie friend due to your incompetency.

9. Going outside.

Seriously, unless you absolutely need to, going outside is a surefire way to ensure your demise.  If you have a secure location, stay put.  If you don't, make it secure.  Hopefully you've had at least a little bit of a warning and can get to a Wal-mart or supermarket.

8. Admiring the pretty zombies.

There's always one person that will freeze when facing a horde of zombies.  You've got the gun in your hand, pull the trigger.  If not, turn and run.  Standing there admiring their beauty is counterproductive.

7. Making excessive noise.

Guns, car alarms, yelling, annoying cell phone ringers, (seriously, I know you probably can't turn them off during meetings, movies and other quiet times, but it's a freakin' zombie apocalypse!) and anything else that makes a lot of noise should be avoided.  Everyone knows zombies are attracted to noise, so keep it down.

6. Going Rambo on some zombie ass. 

You will draw attention to yourself and waste your ammo. (Although one bad ass moment per person is allowed.)

5. Standing next to poorly boarded windows/doors.

One person in every group will always make this mistake and get bitten, scratched or dragged through a window or door.  Don't be that person.  Let your friends play that role instead.

4. Believing something is actually dead.

If you think it's dead, it's not.  Insurance rounds to the head always help.

3. Lying about getting bitten / believing someone who's lying about being bitten.

If you're bitten, bullet to the head.  If your friend is bitten, same thing.  This is non-negotiable and if not followed usually ends up in the deterioration of the group.  It's pretty easy to tell if someone is bitten... bleeding, discoloured skin or eyes, excessive sweating or fidgeting, raspy voice, increased nausea, increased hunger, mumbling about brains... all preliminary symptoms.

2. Not killing a loved one.

I know it's hard, but they're not your mother/father/sister/brother/son /daughter/drug dealer/bookie/fuck buddy anymore.  Same as #3; bullet to the head.  You can't take them home after and keep them like a pet, sorry.

1. Splitting up.

The #1 thing not to do in a zombie apocalypse is splitting up your group.  Together you can watch each others backs, take sleeping shifts, collectively create a better plan and take part in steamy sex scenes as a romance develops with every undead brain you splatter together.

There you go.  This blog post is dedicated to my buddy Steve Tilley, who is terrified that zombies will eat his brains every day.  Seriously, ask him about his contingency plan, it's pretty extensive and detailed.  Might have changed though since I sold my Jeep.

I'll leave you with this graphic (sorry for the formatting breaks).  Consult this to determine your survivability.

No comments:

Post a Comment